What This Karaoke Song Is Really Saying

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Bonnie Tyler: “Total Eclipse of the Heart”

If I didn’t possess the voice of an angel, I wouldn’t attempt this song; if I didn’t attempt this song, I wouldn’t end up in the dark parking lot leaving another voicemail for my ex, Nigel, that he’ll probably never return.

Hinder: “Lips of an Angel”

I own a ferret.

Bruce Springsteen: “Born to Run”

My sister’s garage, unfinished and all, is cozier than you’d think, even if my brother-in-law steals Miller High Lifes from my mini fridge in lieu of the unpaid rent.

The Chainsmokers: “Closer”

This bar is so lit — they never card.

Lady Antebellum: “Need You Now”

Sure, we wear matching outfits and fight if the other one compliments a stranger, but we’re not co-dependent.

Nickleback: “Photograph”

He’s not my first ferret.

Foreigner: “I Want to Know What Love Is”

I’m dedicating this song to that beautiful woman right in front, the love of my life, the woman I’m moving in with, the woman I plan to marry, as soon as I tell my wife.

Michael Jackson: “Billie Jean”

Now you know why they call me the cool grandma.

Neil Diamond: “Sweet Caroline”

Every time you all repeat, “So good, so good, so good,” I want to thank you for filling in for the friends I lost touch with when I became a parent, with all of the late nights and diaper changes, about 24 years ago.

Hoobastank: “The Reason”

Did I mention his name is Ferret Bueller?

Rod Stewart: “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy”

I already know you don’t, but what’s the worst that could happen — if we pretend for tonight, or if we don’t?

Sublime: “Santeria”

All I really want to say is: when you all wake up for work, when you’re stuck in freeway gridlock, when you’re chained to a desk in that prison of an office park, I’ll still be here, I’ll still be high, and I’ll still be singing.

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